Where Roads of Identities Clash
As a high schooler, it’s common to feel like a fish out of water. For Connie, she straddles between her Vietnamese and American identities. She begins to deconstruct what it means to live the many identities that make who she is and how to reclaim cultural pride.
There is a lot of disconnection within the ethnicities that coexist with my identity.
Growing up as a 2nd generation, there has always been a feeling of isolation coexisting in both parts of my identity.
Being a second generation immigrant means that it’s hard to communicate and connect with your relatives due to the language barrier and cultural differences. It is also hard to connect with peers at school since you can’t really relate to the different cultural standards and social rules, so it affects the way that you act.
Navigating all of this - ethnicity, culture, gender, and more, this is intersectionality. When social categorizations or parts of your identity overlap, it creates layers of complexity in the issues that I’ve felt. And with these overlapping factors, it gives a new experience from what it’s like to be “just Asian” or “just American.”
As a child, I always hid my “Vietnamese-ness.” There was only one person at my elementary school that I knew was Vietnamese, but I couldn’t bring myself to say I was too, in fear that people wouldn’t know what it was or that I would be alienated.
Growing up, being Vietnamese was something I was supposed to be ashamed of. There wasn’t a lot of representation in the media. Whether it was at school, the internet, or public spaces, I never heard anyone talk about my country or culture. It seemed like being Vietnamese was just something completely out of this universe except when I was with my family. And to this day, there are some people that are not educated about Southeast Asian countries, many just know the big three which are China, Japan, and Korea.
When I first enrolled in a Vietnamese school, I was always lost and behind. Every Sunday, I attended classes where teachers taught Vietnamese to kids who either didn’t know Vietnamese or needed more practice to become fluent.
Compared to the kids at the school, I felt a bit too American. To me, being American means being used to talking in American slang, having clothes influenced by Western fashion trends, talking in fluent English, being surrounded by American friends, and eating Western/diverse cuisines. From what I’ve seen growing up in my past elementary schools there has been a pattern of trying to fit in and by fitting that could also mean trying to fit in with the American lifestyle and culture. I’ve noticed that there weren’t many Asian kids at my elementary school so seeing how other kids had lunchables or sandwiches, it made me feel a bit ashamed that my mom packed me kimbap or fried rice. It wasn’t necessarily that I like lunchables more or dislike what my mom makes, but there was a sense of fear and embarrassment of having others look at my lunch and thinking it’s bizarre. I didn’t want others to notice the differences that we had or point it out because I disliked the feeling of being different, and I yearned to get along with other kids because my social skills itself weren’t that good. There were asian kids at my school but I never really sat next to them at lunch or were close with them so I didn’t pay attention to their lunch, but I remember feeling a bit shameful every time lunch came and alway closed the flap of my lunch pouch whenever I ate because I didn’t want others to see. And I kinda wish I could ease my younger self of that worry, and how she shouldn’t have to feel like her culture’s food was something to be ashamed of.
I tried my best to follow along or not cause any trouble when I did not understand something. While I enjoyed the community bonding, the music, and the food, there was always a sense of tense dis-belonging.
After a year, I ended up dropping out of the Vietnamese school. It was obvious how unhappy I felt being at that school and how stressed it made me. I didn’t want my family to keep spending money on lessons either if I wasn’t gonna really take up the opportunity.
But sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I continued.
It’s been around 7 years since I last went to Vietnamese school and a lot has changed. As a second generation Vietnamese American, I want to make up for the time spent away from my Vietnamese culture. I spent so much time avoiding my culture because it felt too complex for me. But I want to be closer to my family and relatives, and try new things in my culture that I was hesitant to do. I want to learn more about the Vietnam War and hear about what my mom and my family went through during the time. It’s interesting to know the perspectives of what it was like as a child during the war.
I’m learning that it’s okay to accept and have both parts of my background co-exist, and it’s normal to have differences from others. Although it doesn’t fully feel like I’m immersed in both aspects of my identity or feel like I fit into the different groups, there is a sense of acceptance that I’ll always feel different. I soon understood that I’ll always be Vietnamese American, and will feel different experiences from what my parents or grandparents have felt.
I’m not completely content with these feelings and the feeling of alienation isn’t completely over, but I feel like, at the moment, just acknowledging my experiences is a step forward. I hope that being Asian American is something I can be something I am proud to be instead of just a fact.
About Writer: Connie is a RealSoul Youth in Power intern with a passion for creativity and self-improvement. Some of her hobbies include drawing, reading, and listening to music. She also has a strong interest in film, photography, design, writing, and musicals. Connie loves trying new things and always strives to better herself and her surroundings. Her core values include family, education, passion, hard work, strong morals, creativity, and responsibility. As a second-generation Vietnamese American immigrant, she is currently a sophomore in high school.